The Cockney Guide to the History of Oomanity

Right, so, billions of years ago there was fack all, yeah? A big shiny dollop of fack all it was, sitting on a pile of nafink, then BANG! apparently, and a shitstorm’s let loose – loads of shit started spreadin out, growin, congealin, formin, joinin, expandin, mergin, solidfyin – evolvin, yeah? This carries on for a few billion years as it happens – bacteria amoeba crustacean fish amphibian insect lizard dinosaur bird mammal and all that shit, y’know, fackin fish learnin how to walk, chimps pickin up bones n usin em as dildos n all that, until one day, aliens came down and gave some neanderthal slags a right good seein to and … bingo! – wotcha my man! Oomanity begins!

Cushdy yeah? No – far fackin from it. Fackers had us doin all their chores, didn’t they? The legwork, the graft, diggin their fackin gold mines n buildin their fackin pyramids so’s they could point em at the fackin stars n elp em get from A ta B – I’ve had some shit gaffers in my time I’ll tell ya but these baggers really took the fackin biscuit. Slave drivers? Extra terrestrial cants, more like it. Bunch of mugs that we are though, we only goes and worships em, don’t we? “The beins from the eavens in their sky chariots” an all that, had us all scurryin around drawn fackin doodles of em on caves, raisin our ands in the air like a right pillock, happy as Larry that they was so gracious and magnanimous as to let us lick their fackin boots. And all this from what? Eh? Some fackin intergalactic bastard muckin about with our primordial whajammacallit mitochondrial DNA bollocks? They’re takin the piss! Cants!

So anyway they baggered off and left us in the lurch like nonces with our dicks swayin in the playground at half term, probably on account of the huge fackin flood that wiped most of us out and turned the planet into fackin waterworld ‘xcept without that nobend Costner with his stupid fackin gills swimmin around like a twat. Those of us that weren’t washed down the plughole like my nephew’s fackin amster forgot about those alien bastards and started again, like, as you do, pull yer socks up sort yer shit out crack on with fings life’s too short an all that. Some of us set up shop right next to the aliens’ old stompin grounds and calls it Egypt – my reckonin is that’s a mistranslation and we calls it Eeejit instead, to remind ourselves what prats we was lettin ourselves get pushed around by a bunch of bullies. Did we learn? Did we fack.

As the sayin goes there’s fack all new under the sun, an alls we do is replace one bunch of self-righteous holier than thou slave drivers with another. See, some of us learned a thing or two from old Spock and his pals about power and control, and these cants they go and get the upper and over the rest of us and make us do all their dirty work for em, don’t they? So here’s we go again, the masses toilin away for sake of a few lazy sods sittin around on their fat arses dishin out the orders. You might say fack all’s changed since then – oomanity has it in its nature to treat itself like shit on a shoe.

Over time we forgot about our “creators” and only goes and makes up somefink else to worship – the fackin sun if you can believe that. Well sure sure it keeps us warm (only in the day mind, fackin part timer) and elps us grow food n shit, but come on – it’s the fackin sun! Might as well be an inanimate object for all it cares about oomans. Nevertheless, bein thick as pigshit and prone to silly fancies as customs and placin our faith in somefink other than ourselves, we starts takin this sun worship malarky a bit too seriously – gets a bit carried away, don’t we? Sacrifices – virgins an all, of all things, if that ain’t a fackin waste I can’t tell you what is I honestly can’t – fackin wars and stupid bleedin temples instead of summit useful, y’know, practical like a new local Tescos or some fackin decent aand cream. And as you might expect a few clever fellas quickly twigged on to all this and said to each other, “hang about, how’s about we tell these muppets that that that thing in the sky they adore is God and we’ve been sent here to instruct on how to live according to his will? It’ll be a doddle, no problem – pop on some fancy robes and all that – we’ll have em all wrapped round our pretty little fingers in a jiffy!” So’s that’s what they did, innit? Fackin Amen-Ra an Joopiter an all those boys, fackin cartoon characters doodled all over the shop if you ask me.

That said, fair is fair and I’m not gonna sit ere and tell you that’s all there is to it. Far from it. No sir. A lot of other shit has happened and credit where credit’s due, pillocks that we are by and large we weren’t completely fackin useless. Take the Greeks, for example. Admittedly they’re not much cop these days – they’re shit with money and quite partial to a good riot – but back in the day they had their heads screwed on, inventing triangles and democracy and philosophy, which to my mind is the art of gettin out of doin any hard graft by talkin a load of shite. Which is about what you’d expect from a group of poofs like Plato harpin on about “the pleasure of bummin young boys”. I mean fer fack’s sake – the man thought echoes were fackin demons! A tragedy, really. Somfink the Greeks knew a lot about.

The Romans of course was famous for many things most of which we know about thanks to Monty fackin Python – y’know the bit I mean dontcha? The aqueducts, the roads, sanitation, irrigation, medicine, wine, public baths an all that – on account of all that you might forgive em for introducing that fackin confusin Roman numerals bollocks that they use on film and TV credits. And some clocks. But you can’t forgive em for Christianity. Okay so the Romans didn’t invent it, but if it wasn’t for them those fackin Holier than thou pious do-gooder bastards wouldn’t’ve got a foothold in the proverbial door to mankind’s spirit and given us the fackin dark ages. And dark they certainly was – for fackin centuries.

Y’see if there’s one thing Christians fackin hate – fackin detest – it’s the rest of us havin a laugh, right? Don’t like that at all, do they? So what do you expect will happen when you allow a bunch of God botherers to run the show? Fackin misery all round, innit? No progress, that’s for sure – we’s gets our dunces caps on good an proper for the next few centuries, don’t we? Callin the earth flat, burnin witches, self-flagellation. launchin fackin Crusades in the name of our lovin Lord an all that – a fackin prime example of religion destroyin the spiritual, if you ask me. Not that I’m spiritual, mind – far from it. Jesus Christ I couldn’t tell you the difference between a prayer mat and a door mat if there is one. But I do know that strappin a rat in fackin cage to a fellas chest and watchin it eat its way through him is hardly fackin at one with God’s so-called message of peace an forgiveness. Right? Fackin animals, weren’t they?

As you’d expect there was only so much of this bollocks people were gonna take – although quite frankly how they stood for all this religious bullying for so long is beyond me. But we did, for our sins, and we calls this change of heart ‘the renaissance’. Not then, mind, but that’s what we know it as nowadays, innit? That said it’s all a load of bollocks when you look at it without the rose tinted specs on, innit? We do like to use our “achievements” to take attention away from our transgressions, don’t we? Sure, the religious wankers weren’t quite so brutal to the rest of us and they did pay some gifted doodlers to draw some whoppin great paintings, but when it boils down to it we was still fackin slaves. But if there’s one thing that the powers that be were getting pretty fackin good at – excellin at, you might say and I wouldn’t disagree with you – it was trickin the rest of us into thinkin we was free. And boy, don’t we just swallow that nonsense these days, eh?

So, from renaissance to “enlightenment”, and what a fackin joke that was too. Talk about givin something a misleading label – “enlightenment” my fat arse. More like fackin a new era of rapacious greed, gluttony and mass murder with a bit of ecological rapin thrown in for good measure. Hang about, wasn’t that what came before? Okay, my mistake, getting confused a bit – more of the same, allow me to stand corrected (said the man in the orthopaedic shoes). Some geezers’ll try and tell you how good it all gets from here – the importance of the scientific method, religious tolerance, a new era of capitalism and prosperity, the spread of democracy an all that. Well let me tell you that anyone who tells you that is either thick as pigshit or pullin your leg, or perhaps the wool over your eyes, yeah? Now I realise some of you may be thinkin “what’s this wanker on about now?” but bear with me, it may sound like a bit of a departure from conventional thinkin an all that but conventional I am not and with good fackin reason. See, I know a thing or two about gangsters an hoodlums and thieves and braggards and that’s the kind of scumbag we’re talkin about when we talk about democracy and capitalism and all that malarky we’re told is so fackin wonderful and aren’t we just a bunch of clever so and sos and don’t the sun just shine out of our pretty little arses and all that. But truth be told – and fer facks sake we hear enough lies these days, don’t we? – oomanity is livin in lalaland if it thinks the “enlightenment” marked the beginnin of an era of progress.

Any doubting Thomases out there who don’t wanna take my word for it should take a long hard look at the 20th century before they dismiss out of and the wisdom of my natterin. Democracy? Nothin more than bein given the choice of which fackin soulless stooge is gonna bleed you dry through taxes and ignore the will of the people, innit? Science? Perfected the art of killin in all new efficient manners, ain’t it? Capitalism? Puttin a respectable face on loan sharks and crooks, celebratin puttin the little man out of business all in the name of “free” markets. They’ve turned entire nations into corporate entities without anyone twiggin on to it – mark my words they’ve put us all up good an proper, tax slaves from birth to the grave, slaves to their products, slaves to their bells and whistles and dupes to their propaganda. Smart fellas really gotta and it to em – shame they’re fackin unscrupulous cants who’d sell their grandma for a penny. Still, nafink new under the sun, as the sayin goes.

You might say it don’t take a fackin Einstein to see where things is goin, and you’d probably be right. After all, the Pope’s still stickin up for his paedo pals in their fackin stupid robes, the politicians are still lyin through their teeth so’s they can bomb some poor bastard in some poor country who aint never done nafink to none of us, and oomanity is still dazzled by its silly fackin trinkets n fackin Jeremy Kyle n all that bollocks.

Still, fack it, yeah? The pub’s open in a mo and I aint half hangin after a pint. Your round, yeah?

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One response to “The Cockney Guide to the History of Oomanity

  1. ## They’ve turned entire nations into corporate entities without anyone twiggin ##

    Excellent. You go for it brother.

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