Let’s face it, it’s not particularly challenging to make fun of the EDL – they provide us with so much ammunition simply by opening their mouths and warning us about “Muslamic ray-guns”. But I won’t let that stop The Daily Mash having a go anyway – they do satire so well, after all.
Here’s a triple bill Daily Mash EDL-themed special:
We’re good thanks, England tells EDL
ENGLAND has told the English Defence League that they can stop trying to defend it now.
The ancient nation is embarrassed that other countries think it needs the help of some scrawny, misspelled tattoo carriers who reek of chip fat.
England said: “Having mosques built on you actually feels quite nice – when they all kneel to pray it’s like having a back massage.
“And at my age you’re glad of the company, so immigration doesn’t bother me. The more the merrier as long as they’re not French.”
The nation added: “If the EDL really wants to defend somebody I’m sure Wales could do with all the help it can get. And ‘wdl’ is actually the Welsh word for an undescended testicle, so that dovetails nicely.”
England has also asked the RAF to drop EDL members into Afghanistan so they can fight all the Muslims they want while being cut to pieces in a hail of bullets.
The specimens will be enticed into the back of a Hercules transport plane using a trail of deep-fried turkey parts.
An MoD spokesman said: “They’ll each be given a case of Stella and directions to the nearest Taliban headquarters.
“At which point they will be free to engage in a lively debate about culture.”
98 per cent of people you went to school with are racist
ALMOST everyone that anyone has been to school with is a bigot, according to new research.
Maisie Armstrong was very good at colouring-in and now has a theory about Spaniards
The Institute for Studies found that over 98 per cent of Facebook feeds are packed with racist views and updates from people the account holder has not seen or directly communicated with for over a decade.
Friends from secondary school were most likely to post distasteful jokes or share photographs from racist groups, whereas primary school classmates tended to post their own violent suggestions and crudely drawn offensive imagery.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The more liberal, educated and open minded you are, the more likely you are to have gone to school with the angry and ill-informed.
“However, most people are reluctant to end their association with their racist school friends so that they can remind themselves continually what an excellent person they are.”
He added: “In fact, if you stop being friends with them you’re guaranteed to turn into a chorizo-phobe with a timeshare in Gibraltar.”
Roy Hobbs, from Bolton, said “All my school friends are horribly racist, but they’re not responsible for the most offensive content on my Facebook feed.
“That would be my mother.”
Men in balaclavas offer soothing prospect of war
MEN wearing balaclavas have been making a dreadful situation better.
As nearly all Britons find themselves able to carry on with the peaceful mundanity of their lives, men wearing stupid knitted masks offered Britain the prospect of civil war that it has been yearning for.
Balaclava fan Tom Logan said: “What this country needs now is for everyone to start lobbing petrol bombs around.
“Anyone who cares about England has a duty to set it on fire, or at least smash a bunch of windows.
“Also, stop thinking. Bypass your brain, jump to hate-filled conclusions and let rampant prejudice be your guide.”
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “History, and also common sense, tells us that in any situation the person whose features are disguised by a stupid hat is not the person you should listen to.
“In fact masks in general, whether tight-fitting on part of a white pointy hat, are a good indicator of insanity, unless it’s Halloween or you’re at an elite fictional orgy.
Muslim father-of-two Rafi Ahmed said: “As far as I’m aware, I’ve got no plans to bring Western civilisation to its knees.
“I’ll probably go to work, come home and eat my tea.”